Dave Matthews Infiltration Uncovered

May 1st, 2003

^{by Gianni RandomSchtuff}

^{Tragic facts about rock star Dave Matthews:}

^{1. Named "Male Acoustic Guitarist of the Year" for two years in a row.}

^{2. More people saw DMB last year than any other band.}

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Opinion: I'm not surprised that a talentless artist such as Dave Matthews sells millions of records because, in fact, most of the people that sell millions of records pretty much suck. My problem is this: Dave Matthews fans are spreading.

It seems as if shallow girls and frat boys with shiny jeeps and baseball caps are no longer the only DMB fans. This fucker has now somehow infiltrated and convinced good people that like good music, of this: That he is good.

Case in Point #1: You're hangin' out, talking to this cute girl, and the conversation is flowin'.

You bring up music, and she's into some of the same shit as you. You're stoked, it's almost too good to be true! Suddenly, her eyes light up and she passionately reveals to you how "this one Dave Matthews song" ... does it for her.

The bubble is burst. Rather than express your true feelings about DMB, you turn quiet and withdrawn. You feel guilty for being such a music snob. It's a CLASSIC fuct scenario that has happened too many times.

Case in Point #2: You're at a small gathering with a seemingly cool crew. Someone unexpectedly throws DMB in the player. Soon they can sense your dislike of DMB from a subtle facial expression.

Finally someone pipes up and says, "What's up, dude? You don't like Dave?"

Instead of getting into some no-win music debate, you shrink back with a simple reply that, "He's alright."

Conclusion: As observed, it is NOT cool to NOT like Dave Matthews.

Readers must stay aware of this new and dangerous Dave Matthews social faux pas. But I know there are at least three people in this world that feel the way I do about DMB, and I pray there are more.

Dave Matthews, stop infiltrating our scene, and stop making your gullible, brainwashed followers believe with such vigor that you are a good musician.